Congratulations, the Reflecting Pool is now a swamp

The one thing that Washington, D.C., has always had going for it is its beauty. The people who run America from this town have always been an unsightly bunch, but they’ve done their nasty work in a city that has acquired, over the course of this country’s lifespan, an aesthetic like no other. No other major American city looks as regally beautiful as D.C. You and I have to thank for this, but we also have a collection of national landmarks clustered in the center of the district that the aforementioned law was written to both protect and to showcase. The Capitol. The Lincoln Memorial. The Washington Monument. These are gorgeous edifices, ones designed to outlast old generations and to inspire newer ones. They are the best of D.C., and therefore the best of America.

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And now here comes Donald Trump to f—k it all up.

Not content to let an army of UFC slobs desecrate the capital this past weekend, nor to personally oversee the physical ruination of the White House earlier this year, Trump has now decided to destroy the humble Reflecting Pool along the National Mall. You’ve probably heard about the Reflecting Pool situation: how President Cronyism dished out a no-bid contract to renovate the pool earlier this spring to a company that had done work at his Virginia golf club, how the project came in over budget (big surprise), and how the results have turned out disastrously, with algae blooms overtaking the pool within moments of its unveiling. 

Because I’m a rubbernecker by nature, on Tuesday I decided to head down to the National Mall to see the damage myself. Come with me now on a quick trip to a national treasure that has now become the world’s dullest aquarium.

It’s a gorgeous day to visit the mall. The weather outside is flawless and, because it’s a Tuesday, tourist traffic is at a relative minimum. Normally, this would be an ideal day to sit by the Reflecting Pool and meditate on freedom, democracy and other quaint notions. But the second I make my way into the heart of the mall, between the Lincoln Memorial and the World War II Memorial, I see an expanse of wet, sickly green. Like the ocean on a bad day. I have never seen the Reflecting Pool look this ugly. Trump’s goal with this renovation was to paint the bottom of the pool “American flag blue,” an idiotic idea because this pool is specifically not supposed to be ANY color. Previous administrations have kept the water here clean and clear so that it can, you know, reflect, so that visitors could look into the pool’s waters and see in it the royal blue sky, the wedding cake white clouds, the stately gray monument on the hill next door. You’re not supposed to look into this pool and see anything but the surrounding splendor, your pretty little face included.

When I look into the pool now, I see nothing but green murk. The algae is still here, and it’s still defeating Trump’s cleanup crews handily. One of those crews is working a corner of the pool near the Lincoln Memorial. They’re all National Park Service staffers, overseen by Trump’s metaphorical pool boy Doug Burgum. One of them orders the others, “Let’s get this hose in the water and be sure not to twist it.” The hose is attached to a small, roving pool vacuum. It’s not a fair fight, unkinked hose or no. Just a few weeks ago, Trump was bragging that this pool was “bigger than skyscrapers.” He even made a definitely scientifically accurate chart to prove the point. Turns out that hugeness can really bite you in the ass when your very large and strong pool has an infestation problem.

I walk along the esplanade, and more Park Service crews mar the view. I see a couple more vacuums. Even uglier, I see a number of hoses languishing in the pool, looking like the tentacles of some evil monster and spewing a white foam into the depths. These machines are presumably the “nanobubblers” that the Park Service, perhaps now helmed by Russell Wilson, claims have “successfully destroyed the algae bloom.” They have not. All they appear to be doing is troubling the water enough so that it has an even less reflective quality. I’d have better odds seeing my reflection in a cinder block.

I kneel by the pool and dip my hand into the water. Thankfully, my flesh doesn’t instantly dissolve upon contact with it. I feel along the inside of the pool, and it’s slimy to the touch. Six years ago, I bought our family an inflatable hot tub to stave off boredom during the COVID-19 pandemic, another Trump production. I didn’t know anything about pool maintenance, so the water in that hot tub also turned green, and the insides of it were slimy in the exact same way the pool’s insides are right now. I can be forgiven for my negligence back then, because I was a bored rookie. When you’re the richest nation in world history, you don’t deserve quite as much slack.

I take my hand out of the water and lick my fingers. The water tastes fine. If I end up hospitalized with diphtheria later tonight, my editors will update this post accordingly.

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I continue walking the esplanade, and the water only gets dirtier. In one corner, the pool looks like it’s been the victim of a gasoline spill. There’s a lone duckling swimming around in this failed Jackson Pollock work, and I desperately want to fish it out with a net and help it find its mommy.

Then I look over to the nearby World War II Memorial. Opened in 2004, this memorial features a fountain pool at its center, flanked by 50 pillars representing fallen combat veterans from every state. And wouldn’t you know it, the fountain pool is pristine. We’re literally feet away from the befouled Reflecting Pool, and the difference is staggering. I can see reflections in this other pool! Some of them blue! I see tourists happily dipping their bare feet into its waters! I see an American landmark that looks the way it’s supposed to look, the way these landmarks always looked until Trump and his power frown came along to destroy it all.

I walk back to my car. Along the way I cross through the Constitution Gardens, which boasts its own serene pond. The water in this pond is dirtier than the WWII monument’s water, but it’s still unscathed by the algae blooms. I edge closer to the pond and see a family of ducks, little baby ducklings included, frolicking happily in the water. These ducks are smart. They know the good stuff when they see it. Maybe we should let them run this city.