California is on fire and these people are profiting off it

Wildfires are once again eating their way across California. Three fires, one near Big Sur, one enveloping Lassen and Sierra counties and one raging in Humboldt County, have burned tens of thousands of acres of land, poisoned endangered condors, and closed off various highways and state parks indefinitely. The aforementioned fires have barely been contained by authorities. When (or, *shudder*, if) the fires die down, more fires will follow in their wake. And more after that, and more after that. Wildfire is a natural part of California’s environment, and thanks to humankind’s disastrous warping of the planet’s climate, fires will only grow more widespread and destructive in the years to come.

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Now, woke types might tell you that all of this is bad. But what if I told you that the ongoing self-immolation of Earth could help you win BIG MONEY? Because thanks to the advent of prediction markets, you can literally bet on the next fire that’ll strike, like a few lucky sharps did with the LA wildfires of 2025! From Wednesday’s Washington Post:

“By the time the fires were contained three weeks later, more than 30,000 acres had burned, 29 people had died and more than $1 million in fire-related bets had been wagered on Polymarket.”

According to that same WaPo report, some of the Polymarket bettors coyly told each other that they hoped their bets would go bust. You know, like when your fantasy football team goes up against Brock Purdy and you, the woebegone Niners fan, have to hope and also kinda not hope that Purdy sucks that day. It’s basically the same dilemma. Sure, it’s sad to watch thousands of people be displaced from their homes while entire ecosystems get wiped out by an unstoppable conflagration. On the other hand, boy you sure could use some extra scratch to help pay down your F-150! And while Polymarket says that American users can’t trade on wildfires, its international users very much can. So all you need is a VPN, or a shady friend in Hungary, to place your bet from “overseas” and you’re in on the action! Then you can go flick a lit Marlboro into a patch of dry grass at Yosemite and :flames emoji:!

The news only gets better from there, my friends. At the end of last year, CNN reached an agreement to have Polymarket rival Kalshi be its “official prediction market partner,” with the network integrating Kalshi’s betting data into its news ticker and on-air analysis. Meanwhile, Polymarket has forged exclusive partnerships with the likes of college sports outlet On3, Major League Soccer, the New York Yankees and … actually all of Major League Baseball. With every major company and media outlet now getting in on the prediction market boom, you and I can bet on anything now! There’s nothing stopping us, not even Democrats! And if you’re canny, you can bet on the news and then make that news happen yourself, like one lucky Trump teleprompter operator did a month ago! From the Associated Press:

“A White House teleprompter operator who was put on unpaid leave after news reports he had used inside knowledge to make bets about President Donald Trump’s speeches on the online prediction market Kalshi is no longer in his post, according to a White House official.”

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Sure, the teleprompter guy lost his job because of those bets, but I bet (pun intended!) he won himself one hell of a golden parachute to fall back on!

You and I already know that, under President Barfbag, corruption in America has proliferated at an astonishing rate. But hey man, why let the big pigs feed at the trough when you can get your own taste of that sweet, delicious slop? Thanks to Kalshi, Polymarket, and potential coming rivals like Meta, you and I can finally rig the game in our favor! And all it will cost us is the fate of the world! Now that’s an offer that you and I can’t refuse. Because when the powers that be decide to openly ransack the country, it only makes sense for the powerless to see if they can get a small cut of their own. After all, you have nothing to lose if you have no future. So if you’re done with clean air, social services and functional democracy, then put down some cash and watch the world burn. What else do you have to lose?